52 Book Challenge: The Weirdness by Jeremy Bushnell

16 Jun

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{Proceed with caution, heavy spoilers all up in this bitch. Seriously, I spoil the whole book.}

~raise your hand if you have ever felt personally victimized by Jeremy Bushnell~

There are three traits in books that I really love. Literary qualities, dark strangeness, and quirky humor. For example, The Raw Shark Texts has all three of these in droves. House of Leaves is heavy on the literary strangeness. Of course I don’t need all 3 to love a book: my absolute favorite, The Scar, has two (it’s not really a hilarious read). And there are plenty of books that don’t have any of the three but I still totally enjoy. But when a book dangles all 3 in my face only to reveal itself in the end as a giant hunk of garbage, I get pretty mad.

The plot of The Weirdness is right up my alley. Lucifer himself appears to Billy Ridgeway, a struggling author, and offers him literary success in exchange for help on a mission: to steal back a lucky cat that a warlock swiped from the devil. Awesome, right? So weird. And the first chapter really paints this as a literary endeavor: it’s all about Billy’s childhood surrounded by mountains of books and heaps of medieval weaponry.

Sounds like it’s going to be a fun ride! WRONG. I have to say I am impressed by one thing: I didn’t know it was possible for a book to be this bad. It’s mind-blowingly terrible. Let me break down some of the main plot points for you. Billy has a roommate who has been missing for weeks. He doesn’t contact the police because, you know, that makes too much sense. Right before he is supposed to show up at a reading (of his terrible stories) he bumps into a woman who he has ~omg instant sexy attraction~ to. Note that Billy has a girlfriend, the ~super perfect quirky brilliant artiste~ Denver, but this doesn’t seem to stop him. Roommate & writer chick may seem like secondary characters while reading the first third of the book but you would be so, so wrong to think that.

You see Billy, roommate, and writer chick are… wait for it… evil hell sex werewolves. I am not making this up. There is NO foreshadowing for this. They are literally werewolves, spawned by Satan with some devil wolf, and there’s no foreshadowing. There are many ways to do plot twists. You can sprinkle clues through so a reader can go back and think “oooooh yeah, that makes sense!” You can make them a little too obvious so it’s not a huge surprise. If you’re a really good writer you can have your reader realize RIGHT before the reveal (my personal favorite, which is executed brilliantly by Alastair Reynolds). But this? It feels like Bushnell was like HMM I NEED A TWIST. Yeah, sex werewolves!

Sex werewolves? you are thinking. Yes. Because before they transform, writer-chick strips and tells Billy to “fuck her.” Why? We never know! They get horny when they transform! For no plot-related reason! It’s just there so he can bang the writer. Does he feel bad about it because he, you know, has a girlfriend? Nope. He spends many paragraphs being smug and self satisfied. Oh, and by the way, they’re all trapped in hell (which is… a giant house? in the clouds?) when this happens.

BUT WAIT, it gets worse! So Lucifer wants his little werewolf spawn to go get the cat (which is an infinite momentum machine that will burn down the world) and Billy signs his soul over for a reason I don’t remember (I’ve blocked it out, this book has given me PTSD), they get the cat, the cat is stolen back by a writing critic who was of minimal importance in like the second chapter (what even), Denver pops back up out of nowhere to save him (with THE MAGIC OF A CAMERA!), and then they go back to the good guys! Who I have neglected to mention but they’re, like, a “secret” sect of devil-fighters. Or something. It makes no sense.

Anyway, Lucifer is mad! He wants his cat! And his little werewolf spawns! To be fair, they are his kids and they’re kind of being dicks to him. This is no way to treat your father, Billy. So the entire cast is in Good Guy HQ, including Billy’s Indian friend who works at a sandwich shop (cause this book is so totes weird and random lulz), and Lucifer comes and is like WOW HELLFIRE I SURE AM MAD AT YOU MEDDLING KIDS.

The almost-last chapter is called Deus ex Machina. I thought that was a joke. It’s not. Indian sandwich guy prays, and KABAM. Who shows up but Krishna. Haha, what a story Jeremy! Krishna is all “hell naw Lucifer, you’re breaking the rules!” Wait one fucking second. There are no rules at all in this book UNTIL THIS VERY MOMENT. Oh wait, it’s almost like… a deus ex machina. That’s not fucking clever, Jeremy Bushnell. It’s lame as shit.

Anyway, apparently the gods signed some contract saying that they can’t harm any human who believes in a god or worships a deity. Let’s take one minute to unpack this. In the book, this makes Indian sandwich guy safe. In reality, there’s a whole group of people fighting Lucifer. Why don’t they just take up some fucking spiritual practices and they would be safe?! It literally makes no sense?! Like, all these people have to do is GO TO CHURCH or PRAY ONCE and bam, Lucifer can’t do shit to them.

Also, Lucifer asks Krishna how his 16,000 wives are and Krishna is all “you know they’re all aspects of my consort Lakshmi!” WHICH IS NOT MYTHOLOGICALLY CORRECT. Krishna has tons of wives who, shock, are not all aspects of his main wife. Also, Lakshmi is the wife of VISHNU. Technically Krishna is one of Vishnu’s aspects but still. Just bad, bad mythology.

So the end is just… that they go back to normal life. You know, sex-werewolf life. Billy gets da gurrrl in the end and lives happily ever after with Denver. But wait! What about Lucifer’s promise of a book deal? Well, Billy didn’t fulfill his end of the deal. And in the last chapter he makes a big speech about how he’s a terrible writer anyway and he finally realizes this (I think the author’s subconscious is peeking through at this point).

But because this is a stupid wish-fulfillment book, Billy wakes up in the middle of the night all GASP I AM INSPIRED to write a book about what happened with Lucifer. And then he becomes super writer famous and they all live happily ever after. Gag me with a fucking spoon.

I would also like to point out that Jeremy Bushnell teaches writing at Northeastern. This man has no business teaching writing to anybody. I weep for the students at that college, mainly because I almost applied to their writing program.

Rating

Book 55 The Weirdness

NO LIPSTICKS FOR YOU. NOT EVEN HALF OF ONE.

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